6am, waking up to that same off-white ceiling, begrudgingly getting out of the bed away from oblivion to face my reality.
8am, climbing up the stairs towards the lab, where you stood there with all of your friends, not even a glance or a wave, you let me sit by myself at the other side of the room.
3pm, walking down the halls, passing by other strangers with their friends. Crossing the road just to reach that narrow pathway, now lay barren before me.
My mind strays off to when you said that you don’t want to have that title, but still want to be close.
Where you want to live in your own world where you still get the girl.
Is that what you see in me? A doll with no feelings or strings attached?
I’m sorry but I am a girl with a lot of emotions.
I don’t mind walking by your side as you reach your dream.
I don’t mind sacrificing myself if it means a better future.
Yet you chose to run instead of facing it or even try to fix it.
I guess I don’t deserve to be loved and still be myself…
5pm, I flopped down on my bed, scrolling through the chats we had, with how our friend’s partner tried to tear our friendships down, yet they still stayed strong even when she was wrong.
8pm, the cold water hits my skin. As much as I needed the warmth of the hug that I can no longer have, I allowed it to take away what’s left of me.
10pm, screens blinding my eyes, music blasts in my ears to distract me from my own thoughts, knowing if they stopped, they will start screaming again.
My mind pulls me off to the memory of even when we are together, you never text first or even check up on me.
Where you only help out when it is instructed to you as if you don’t have a heart of your own.
I don’t understand why you don’t want to try. I don’t want to keep on showing love to have it not reciprocated.
I am sorry that I expected too much from you.
Why am I not allowed to be angry?
Why am I not allowed to make mistakes?
Why are some girls allowed to be mean and some can’t?
I know we can be better but you still choose to run.
12am, I can hear them saying I am a failure. I know they are right but I know it’s not my choice to let you go
1am, maybe if I didn’t exist you would be happier. Maybe if I did, everyone would have 1 less burden to bear
3am, the cold blade touched my veins. The tears have already run dry. Taking a deep breath, I let it greet me.
I guess you are still around. You just want to know what happened afterwards.
She still made it. Why? Because she knows if she falls, it will bring on the domino effect.
There is still that voice in her saying that there are still people out there for her.
And deep inside she still knows that he still cares.
